Is This Masking?

Learning to unmask can be a bit tricky. Here are some thoughts on how to do it authentically while still building relationships with people you care about.

Imagine you just started a conversation with someone and they happened to ask you about something that you are deeply passionate about. You perk up and immediately start telling them all about it. A number of minutes go by, and you suddenly realize you have been dominating the conversation the entire time, and have not asked the other person a single question about themself.

To be honest, you aren’t super interested in changing the subject and you have no idea what to ask them about anyhow. And also you’ve been trying not to mask lately, and you’re wondering if suddenly forcing yourself to ask the other person something about them would just be you attempting to mask as a neurotypical.

Has something like this ever happened to you?

I’ve had various clients talk with me about some version of this scenario, and it can be a lot to unpack when you have only recently discovered you’ve been masking in the first place but you’re also wanting to build more relationships. You start to question yourself a lot.

I think that in order to really answer these kinds of questions, you have to know what and who you really care about. Let me explain.

To me, who I am having that conversation with makes all the difference. Is it someone I know and love? Is it someone I am feeling out the potential to build a relationship with (that could include someone you just met)? If so, there are some good reasons to make an effort  to balance out the conversation a bit. Sure, it may feel unnatural at first, but I see that as more of the difficulty of switching gears and maybe not having a lot of social fluidity.

If I really ask myself about my core values and whether this person matters to me (or the potential of building a new relationship does), and the answer is yes, then it is not masking to make an effort to ask them something about themself. The reason it feels hard isn't becasue I really don’t care about them (I do care about them!)—it feels hard because it’s hard for me to switch gears. Luckily though, if you get in the practice of just having a few phrases on hand like “So what have you been up to lately?” it does get easier over time, and it’s better for the relationship if it feels reciprocal for both parties.

So when is it masking? Again, to me it comes down to whether the relationship is reciprocal, both in terms of both people caring about each other and acting on it in various ways. Let’s say you have a ‘friend’ you’ve known since high school and they always invite you to their parties. But it doesn’t really feel like this person really gets you or knows you or cares about you in any deep way, and you get the feeling like you are just performing some empty role that doesn’t actually connect to any shared values.

Or, when it just feels like a one-way street—when you are the person pouring everything into another relationship/work environment/etc. and you are not getting anything back in return. The whole thing is draining, and you never get recharged in any way from it.

That can be a little tricky, because events/work/conversations can be exhausting even when they are meaningful. So it’s good to recognize you are exhausted (and take whatever steps you need to take in the aftermath to replenish), but to also take a wider view when you consider the situation that exhausted you. Ask yourself if in the bigger picture, that situation aligned with your core values and the relationships that you value?

The other time this can be really tricky is if you are interacting with someone new. If you’re not looking to form new relationships, it may be worth asking yourself why you are really feeling the need to attend that party/event/etc. or even have that conversation. But if you are looking to do more socially, that will require having some initial conversations with folks to feel out if there are shared interests/values/etc.

So yes, at times that will mean gearing yourself up to ask some questions to someone you just met, only to discover that you have no interest whatsoever in getting to know that person better. It’s frustrating when it happens, especially if doing so totally exhausts you. But that doesn’t mean you wasted your time or were masking if you did it because building new relationships is something you really care about.

The takeaway here is that when you want to start unmasking, you need to be really clear about your core values—who and what really matters to you in your life. All humans need some kind of social interface to interact with each other, and the goal is to get these interactions grounded in authenticity. Separating your core values from other people’s expectations of you is important work, and it is what’s going to make it possible for you to successfully ditch the unhelpful aspects of masking and be your most authentic self.